When Pizza Delivery Drivers' Attackers Attack

I had pizza with my friend Randy last night, and when the delivery boy/young man brought the goods, attached to the pizza box was a xeroxed strip of this Indiana Daily Student article.

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Delivery driver assaulted, breaks 2 bones in leg
By Kristi Oloffson Monday, November 06, 2006

This is a composite picture of the suspect in the assault of the Aver’s pizza delivery driver that occurred Thursday night.

IU police are investigating the assault of an Aver's Gourmet Pizza delivery driver that occurred Thursday night at the Herman B Wells library, said IU Police Department Capt. Jerry Minger, reading from the police report. No arrests have been made at this time, Minger said.

A passer-by called the police and officers arrived to find the driver lying in the parking lot behind the library, complaining of pain in his right leg, Minger said. The driver told police that after he delivered a pizza, he returned to his car to find a man sitting in the passenger seat whom he did not know, Minger said. After the driver told the man to get out of the car, the man in the car began to "intimidate the victim with profane language," according to an IUPD press release.

A second and third man also approached separately, both shouting profanities at the driver and challenging him, Minger said. After the "verbal altercation" had passed, the three began to walk away, but the driver said something to the three suspects, who all appeared to know one another, Minger said.

At that time the first suspect turned around, thrust an ID at the driver and said that he had just returned from Iraq, Minger said. The second suspect then hit the driver in the face near his jaw, causing him to fall backward on his right ankle, Minger said.

The driver was transported to Bloomington Hospital, where doctors said he broke two bones in his leg and had to undergo surgery to correct the injury, Minger said.

Police are still putting together composite images of the three suspects, who were seen running toward Jordan Avenue from the library, Minger said.

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I'd like to think: Only in Bloomington.

Doesn't the sketch look like Corey Feldman? What the hell was he doing in Iraq? And hanging out with two thugs? And wearing that ugly beanie?

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For all my East Bay folks, consider the possibilities of this phrase existing back home: Oakland City University. It's real and here, right here, in Indiana, and more than likely filled with white people.