Films from the pits of hell
My new bud Bradley and I have been exchanging bad films these past few weeks. Here are some movies I would like to recommend to you:
The Apple (1980): In the future (the 1994 future!) a young folk-duo, presented as a quickly over-killed metaphor for Adam and Eve, are tempted with the dirty apple of musical success by the industry giant Mr. Boogalow. Their love is tested by the draws of glamour, excess, and lots of ugly musical numbers. The Apple was made too early for New Wave, but too late for Disco—so what we are left with is lots of ratted hair in a roller derby fantasia!
Boxing Helena (1993): Boy loves girl. Girl doesn’t love boy. Boy proceeds to amputate all of girl’s limbs. He tries to make her love and depend upon him, but she just spits back emasculating insults. Which looks odd when you’re a strangely sexy-looking talking head (literally). Kim Basinger got sued for backing out of her contract to play the lead role. Jennifer Lynch, daughter of David Lynch, directed this and no one has trusted her with a camera ever since.
The Doll Squad (1973): Forget Charlie’s Angels, this film features a band of vixen commandoes that must stop the destructive plans of a madman who will unleash his army of plague rats. From the director who brought us “Astro Zombies.” A must-see in Female/Vigilante Exploitation.
No One Would Tell (1996): Candice Cameron (DJ Tanner from Full House) is left battered and bruised in her relationship with school heartthrob Fred Savage (of The Wonder Years fame). When she turns up missing, it’s time to bring Fred to justice. Sally Jessie Raphael—yes, from the talk show—plays a judge at the trial. It’s The Battle of the Child Stars, dating abuse style.
Teen Witch (1989): A high school girl transforms herself from hopeless to hottie through the powers of witchcraft. All under the guidance of the midget woman from Poltergeist. Musical numbers include slow-motion big hair with crispy bangs being tossed back in slow-mo, and white boy versus white girl rap. Wardrobe by Jordache and Cherokee Jeans.
She Fought Alone (1995): Tiffani-Amber Thiessen gets raped—Kelly Kapowski, how could you!—by the school jock. And everyone just wants her to shut her trap so the school can, what else: Play football! Misogyny is alive and well in this made-for-TV mello-drama.
The Apple (1980): In the future (the 1994 future!) a young folk-duo, presented as a quickly over-killed metaphor for Adam and Eve, are tempted with the dirty apple of musical success by the industry giant Mr. Boogalow. Their love is tested by the draws of glamour, excess, and lots of ugly musical numbers. The Apple was made too early for New Wave, but too late for Disco—so what we are left with is lots of ratted hair in a roller derby fantasia!
Boxing Helena (1993): Boy loves girl. Girl doesn’t love boy. Boy proceeds to amputate all of girl’s limbs. He tries to make her love and depend upon him, but she just spits back emasculating insults. Which looks odd when you’re a strangely sexy-looking talking head (literally). Kim Basinger got sued for backing out of her contract to play the lead role. Jennifer Lynch, daughter of David Lynch, directed this and no one has trusted her with a camera ever since.
The Doll Squad (1973): Forget Charlie’s Angels, this film features a band of vixen commandoes that must stop the destructive plans of a madman who will unleash his army of plague rats. From the director who brought us “Astro Zombies.” A must-see in Female/Vigilante Exploitation.
No One Would Tell (1996): Candice Cameron (DJ Tanner from Full House) is left battered and bruised in her relationship with school heartthrob Fred Savage (of The Wonder Years fame). When she turns up missing, it’s time to bring Fred to justice. Sally Jessie Raphael—yes, from the talk show—plays a judge at the trial. It’s The Battle of the Child Stars, dating abuse style.
Teen Witch (1989): A high school girl transforms herself from hopeless to hottie through the powers of witchcraft. All under the guidance of the midget woman from Poltergeist. Musical numbers include slow-motion big hair with crispy bangs being tossed back in slow-mo, and white boy versus white girl rap. Wardrobe by Jordache and Cherokee Jeans.
She Fought Alone (1995): Tiffani-Amber Thiessen gets raped—Kelly Kapowski, how could you!—by the school jock. And everyone just wants her to shut her trap so the school can, what else: Play football! Misogyny is alive and well in this made-for-TV mello-drama.
posted by Danny Thanh Nguyen at 12:01 AM
1 Comments:
The Apple is one of my favorite films. I can't get over the gold manties worn at one point of the film. I love it almost as much as I love Xanadu and all it's terrible glory. Both films propagated by the marijuana industry in order to move more units. I will have to check out the rest of these films now.
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